WHAT'S YOUR NAME?..
(Как тебя зовут?..)
Translated by Denise Roza
Monolog
A studio apartment. A book shelf, a sofa, table, chairs, a hanging lamp shade, a radio on the wall.
Mada-a-am! Oh madam! Where are you? Come on, now, quit hiding! Come out, for heaven's sake. !f you don't come out, right now, I'll... I'll... I don't know what I'll do. But just remember, I've warned you ... Madam, come out. Pl-e-e-ase...
Ok, I understand. Got it. I agree to play for awhile. But only for awhile. Ok? Fine, let's begin. What do I have to do? OK, I understand everything. I've got to look f or you. Cherchez la femme. Got it. I'm looking. (He begins looking far her. He looks behind the sofa, under the table, chairs...). Where have you gone to? OK, Ok, I won't move. How was I supposed to know that? I just thought you wanted me to look for you.
So what should I use? Will scarf do? This one? Don't be ridiculous! That hole is miniscule. I won't be able to see a thing. A towel? We're not going for aesthetics, are we? My lips are sealed. Pretend. I never said a thing. A towel it'll be. (He picks up a towel). Will this one do? See, how neatly I'm folding it. All set. What do you think? Fair play? What do you mean, I'll be able to..?! I can't even see my own feet. It's already too tight. Why don't you check it yourself, then you won't be able to say anything later. You ready? I'm beginning. One, two, three, four, five, I'm looking for you. What do you mean, you haven't hidden yet? So it's my fault, you haven't hidden. (He can't see a thing, and although he knows the lay out of his apartment well, he trips). Damn it. No, not you. You thought., I was... How could you think such a thing? Me, say such things like that to you... (trips) Ow! Fucking... Not you, this chair, or whatever the hell it is. I didn't realize I had so much stuff in here. This room is just too small. Aha. Wait , that's not you, is it. Get this, I thought you were... Only kidding. What do you mean, a chair? O-o-la la! If only all the chairs in the world looked like you. For God's sake, I'd never stand up; I'd spend my live sitting. I'm loo-oo-ooking. I think. No, I'm sure I'll find you sooner or later. Don't you agree? Wait, I think I've found you. Is that you? Of course, that was a joke. I know you're not a lamp shade. On second thought, how do I know. Nothing, nothing, nothing at all. Just mubbling to myself. For all I know you really are a lamp shade, and I'm ... Hey, if you're a lampshade, then what am I? Some kind of a light bulb, or a flashlight? I'm looking, I'm looking... You know, this is a stupid game. Madam, you'll forgive me, but these games of yours are rather... And my eyes are beginning to hurt. I'm taking off this damn towel. Long live light. Down with the kingdom of darkness. There it is. Life in all it's true colors. Truly a wonder.
There you are. (Turns on the lamp) At last I've found you. And you're glowing, Madam. I've really had it with all this searching. Being in total darkness is no fun especially when you've go to find something. But, of course, looking for you is such a pleasure. Just imagine how wonderful it would be, if there were some light in the room... just a little light.
Madam, tell me honestly, when you were a child, were you afraid of the dark. No? Well, I was. Terribly so! There's nothing worse than being in the dark. So, thanks for coming here. You light up my room. Don't mention it. That was a pretty cheap complement anyway. Kind of like the two of us. No, I was talking to myself. A bad habit of mine - talking to myself. A habit you don't have. Too bad, life is a hell of alot easier when there's someone to talk to. Anyway, everybody knows you're your own best best conversationalist.
Hey!! Why are you sad? (becomes sad) Madam, don't be sad. Look around, and... No need to be blue, the rain will pass, !assure you it will, just wait and hope.
Listen. I walked home from work today, singing. Everyone looked at me as if I were crazy. But I didn't care, I just kept on walking and singing those ridiculous songs.
Where do I work? Who the hell knows. I don't even know. In some company. I'm not even sure what they make there. Probably money. Haha! You're right, I make money. I don't know who the hell for. Yeah, yeah, right. Wait, where did you get that idea from? As a matter of fact, I get a decent salary. Furthermore, there are 500 men in my charge. And I'm the director's left hand. True, his right hand is a crook...
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